Start by agreeing what the conversation is for—not by trying to settle the conflict. Ask whether the other person is willing to talk, listen to understand rather than to win, and agree to pause if the exchange becomes hurtful or unproductive. A useful conversation can end with greater clarity, a question to investigate, or a decision to continue later; agreement is not required.
Choose a purpose and a setting before you begin
First decide whether you want to listen, learn, or make a decision together. Those are different goals. A conversation intended to understand what matters to a friend does not need to become a debate over every historical claim. If you are deciding what your group should do, you will need a clearer process and enough time to consider options.
Ask permission and state a modest aim. For example: “Would you be open to talking about this? I’d like to understand what matters most to you, not force us to agree.” Make room for a no, or for a later conversation. People may be grieving, frightened, angry, or simply not ready.
It can help to say explicitly what you are not asking for. You might clarify that you do not expect the other person to defend a government or armed group, deliver a complete history, or resolve a political dispute in one sitting. If you want to make a decision together, name that too: deciding what a group will do is different from exchanging personal experiences. A clear purpose gives you a way to notice when the conversation has drifted into a different task.
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Match the format to the relationship and the risk
| Format | Useful when | What to plan for |
|---|---|---|
| One-to-one conversation | You have a relationship that can support candid listening, and the goal is personal understanding. | Agree on a purpose, take turns, and allow either person to pause. Do not expect one person to represent an entire community. |
| Existing group discussion | People already share a setting, such as a class, community, or workplace, and want to explore differences together. | Set explicit agreements, use prepared questions, and give each person a fair chance to speak. Essential Partners notes that its dialogue guide may be used for a one-time event or a series, and that existing groups may benefit more than groups of strangers. |
| Highly polarized or emotionally charged group | Participants expect conflict, or the discussion has significant consequences for the group. | Consider a trained facilitator who can guide turn-taking, manage tension, and keep the group focused. Essential Partners describes an ideal format of five to eight participants with a trained facilitator; it also says many people can use its guide without formal training if they are comfortable supporting a group. |
The best choice also depends on readiness and available time. A short exchange is not a good setting for trying to resolve a long-standing political dispute. Essential Partners’ conversation guide offers principles and prompts for structured dialogue about Israel-Palestine in multiple contexts.
For a group, decide whether a one-time event or a series is realistic. A single meeting can create an opening, but it may not give participants time to explore difficult questions. A series allows people to return to unresolved concerns, while an existing group may bring shared relationships and context that strangers do not have. Neither arrangement guarantees agreement; the point is to choose a format suited to the participants and their purpose.
Essential Partners describes its guide as offering “advice, general principles, and instructions to help you facilitate a constructive conversation about Israel-Palestine in multiple contexts.” It recommends five to eight participants and a trained facilitator as an ideal structure, but says people may use the guide without formal training if they are comfortable supporting a group. Treat these as practical options, not a mandatory formula. If the group is highly polarized, or participants are worried about harm, do not assume that a casual discussion is adequate simply because it is convenient.
Agree on ground rules that protect people, not positions
Before discussing claims or proposed solutions, agree how you will speak to one another. Ground rules should make it possible to disagree without treating people as proxies for governments, armed groups, or whole populations.
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- Take turns and do not interrupt. If a point needs clarification, ask before assuming what was meant.
- Use specific names for actors and actions. Distinguish civilians from governments and armed groups.
- Do not stereotype, dehumanize, or assign collective blame.
- Do not demand that a Jewish or Palestinian participant explain or defend every view associated with that identity.
- Allow people to pass on a question, request a break, or end the conversation.
The Anti-Defamation League (ADL) advises using precise language, distinguishing Hamas from Palestinians, and not treating Jewish people as responsible for Israel’s government or as representative of all Jewish views. These distinctions do not settle political disagreements; they help keep criticism focused on the actual person, institution, policy, or action being discussed. ADL also cautions against using legally and historically weighty terms inaccurately as rhetorical provocation. Its conversation guidance recommends respectful discussion guidelines and language that recognizes people’s humanity.
These rules apply to criticism as well as to expressions of solidarity. Be specific about the actor, policy, or action you mean, rather than implying that an entire population shares responsibility. Likewise, do not infer an individual’s position from their identity. A Jewish person is not a spokesperson for Israel or for all Jewish views; a Palestinian person is not a spokesperson for Palestinians as a whole or for Hamas. Ask what a person thinks rather than assigning them a position.
Recognize that terminology can be contested
People may choose different names for the conflict, and a label can carry political or personal meaning. In a March 21, 2024 report, Pew Research Center said it used “Israel-Hamas war” after consulting the AP Stylebook and outside experts. Pew quoted the AP Stylebook: “The Associated Press is calling the present conflict between Israel and the militant Palestinian group Hamas a war … Do not use terms such as Israel-Palestinian war or Gaza war.” That is a documented editorial convention, not a universal rule for every conversation or proof that every participant prefers that wording. If a term becomes a point of friction, ask what the person means by it and explain your own choice without making terminology a test of someone’s character.
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It is possible to explain that an outlet or organization uses a particular term without insisting that everyone else must use it. If terminology is central to the disagreement, ask what the word conveys to each person. If it is not central to the purpose you agreed on, you can acknowledge the difference and return to the experience or question you came to discuss. A style convention documents an editorial choice; by itself, it does not adjudicate a political or historical dispute.
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Listen for experience and values without ranking pain
Ask questions that invite a person to explain what shapes their view rather than defend a position on command. Useful prompts include:
- “What experience or value most shapes how you see this?”
- “What do you wish people understood about your concern?”
- “What are you uncertain about?”
- “Is there something you would rather not discuss right now?”
Then reflect back the point you heard in language the person recognizes: “I hear you saying that this matters because … Did I understand you?” This is a practical listening technique, not a demand that you agree. If the summary is wrong, let the person correct it before you respond.
Other useful questions invite reflection rather than a rebuttal. Ask what the person finds most difficult to explain, what they hope others will understand, or what they would like to learn more about. These are prompts, not a script that everyone must follow. Give the other person time to answer, and do not treat a pause or uncertainty as a failure. If they indicate that a subject is too painful or personal, respect that boundary.
People directly affected by events may have experiences outsiders cannot share. ADL advises listening to directly affected people, recognizing distinct Jewish and Palestinian experiences, and remembering that people outside the region have a limited perspective compared with those who live there. Taking someone’s experience seriously does not mean asking them to speak for everyone with a similar identity, or ranking one person’s grief against another’s.
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Repair common Windows errors and clear accumulated junk for a smoother, more stable PC - no reinstall needed.Free scan · no reinstallListening to lived experience and checking factual claims are related but distinct tasks. Someone can explain what an event or conflict means to them without being asked to prove the experience, and an account of experience does not automatically settle every wider factual or legal question. Keep both ideas in view: listen respectfully, and be careful about what any one account can establish.
For a group conversation, Essential Partners recommends carefully designed prompts that let participants discuss convictions, values, complexities, and dilemmas. Its guide can help organizers move away from a contest over who has the strongest argument and toward a conversation about what people believe, what they find difficult, and what they want others to understand.
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Some questions may be harder to hold than a discussion of personal values. Amnesty International’s guide includes questions about how actions and strategies affect civilians, how parties should reduce civilian harm in densely populated areas, and how a long-running conflict can affect reconciliation. These can help people identify what they want to understand or explore next. They are questions for discussion, not conclusions established by this conversation guide; researching them requires credible, relevant sources and care about the scope of the evidence.
Check disputed claims without turning the exchange into a trial
Separate what is known, what is disputed, and what is opinion or interpretation. When a factual statement is challenged, ask which source supports it, when that source was published, and what exactly it establishes. A post circulating widely is not confirmation on its own. During unfolding violence, misinformation and disinformation are widespread; ADL recommends assessing source quality and considering nuanced perspectives.
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- Ask what evidence would help. Try: “What source are you relying on?” or “What would you want to see to feel confident about this?”
- Check date and scope. A report may describe a particular place, period, or set of circumstances, not a broader pattern or the present situation.
- Compare credible reporting and primary documents where available. Keep the distinction between a documented fact and an interpretation visible.
- Say when you do not know. If the evidence is unclear or conflicting, pause rather than repeating a claim as settled.
Checking a claim is not the same as putting the person who raised it on trial. Keep the question narrow: what does this source say, when was it published, and how far does its evidence reach? A document or report may establish one detail without supporting the broader conclusion attached to it. If the claim combines a reported event with an interpretation about motive or responsibility, separate those pieces and assess them individually.
When sources disagree, do not conceal the disagreement or treat the first result you find as the final word. Compare credible reporting and primary documents where available, paying attention to date, scope, and what each source actually establishes. If you cannot verify a fast-changing claim during the conversation, say so and agree to check it later. That is more responsible than repeating an uncertain statement because it supports your side.
Amnesty International’s conversation guide asks, “How can you make sure that you are relying on trustworthy information?” and “What are the elements that you would like to read more on, to get a better grasp of the escalating conflict in Israel and Gaza?” Those are useful questions when neither person can verify a claim in the moment. They also turn a stalled argument into a concrete learning question: what evidence would help, and what should each person read next?
No conversation guide substitutes for current reporting or legal analysis. Do not use this article or an old social media post to establish current casualty figures, make legal determinations, or describe fast-changing developments. For those questions, consult current authoritative sources separately and keep the date and scope of information attached to what you repeat.
Remember, too, that the organizations offering conversation guidance have their own perspectives. Their frameworks can help structure a discussion, but they are not neutral adjudication of every historical or political dispute. If you discuss substantive context, include varied credible sources and distinguish their reporting from your interpretation. A guide to listening is not itself evidence for a disputed claim.
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Use public-opinion figures only with their date and population
Survey numbers can clarify a particular snapshot of opinion, but they cannot tell you what a specific person thinks or what people elsewhere believe. Pew Research Center surveyed 12,693 U.S. adults from February 13 to 25, 2024. In that survey, 57% said they sympathized at least to some extent with both Israelis and Palestinians. The same survey found that 64% viewed Israeli people favorably, compared with 41% for the Israeli government; 50% viewed Palestinian people favorably, compared with 8% for Hamas.
These results show that respondents’ views of populations and political actors differed, and that many expressed sympathy for both peoples. They are a U.S. survey from early 2024—not current polling, a global finding, or a forecast of how anyone in your conversation will think. If you refer to them, retain the date and population alongside the figures. See Pew’s report on U.S. views of the Israel-Hamas war.
The distinction between views of people and views of political actors is important: in this survey, favorable views of Israeli people were higher than favorable views of the Israeli government, and favorable views of Palestinian people were higher than favorable views of Hamas. The numbers do not tell you why each respondent answered as they did, and they should not be used to predict the view of a Jewish, Palestinian, Israeli, or other individual. Use them only for the narrow point they support: this surveyed group’s opinions varied across populations and institutions.
Know when to pause, stop, or bring in a facilitator
A conversation should not continue just because it has started. Pause if someone is becoming overwhelmed, if participants are interrupting or insulting each other, or if the discussion is no longer serving its agreed purpose. You can say, “I want to pause rather than keep going while we’re upset. Would it help to return to this another time?” If someone is distressed, prioritize emotional support over resolving the argument.
A pause is not a concession, and ending a conversation does not mean the issue has been resolved. You can name the boundary clearly: the exchange is no longer helping, someone needs time, or the group has reached the limit of what it can discuss responsibly today. If you plan to return to it, decide whether there is a question to research first or whether a different format would be more appropriate. If you do not plan to continue, you do not need to invent a resolution.
For a group, consider a facilitator when participants need help keeping agreements, sharing time, or navigating strong emotions. Essential Partners’ recommended group size and facilitator model can be a useful reference, not a requirement for every setting. If the conversation involves people who do not know one another or carries a high risk of harm, a casual unstructured debate may be the wrong format.
A facilitator is especially worth considering when participants expect conflict or the discussion has important consequences for the group. The facilitator’s role is to support the process—agreements, turn-taking, and attention to the purpose—not to make participants agree on the conflict. If you are not comfortable helping a group manage tension, use a prepared guide or seek someone trained rather than assuming that good intentions alone will be enough.
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End with an honest next step, not a forced resolution
Before parting, name what remains unresolved and identify what each person would like to understand better. If you discussed a factual claim, agree who will look for reliable information and when you might revisit it. If the relationship matters more than continuing the debate, say so. A useful ending may be as simple as thanking someone for explaining their view and agreeing not to settle the issue today.
ADL explicitly cautions that a conversation may end without closure or answers to every question: “Accept and expect that there won’t be closure at the end of the conversation nor will all questions be answered and resolved.” Amnesty’s guide also emphasizes emotional impact and self-care. The aim is not to treat a painful conflict as a tidy exercise; it is to speak accurately, listen without erasing differences, and avoid making the conversation more harmful than it needs to be.
A practical close can include three things: what you heard the other person say, what question remains open, and whether you both want to continue later. You may have learned what value or experience shapes the other person’s view without agreeing on policy or history. That is still a meaningful outcome if the conversation met its purpose and neither person was asked to abandon their boundaries.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I start a conversation about the Gaza war without turning it into an argument?
Ask permission and set a modest goal. For example: “Would you be open to talking about this? I’d like to understand what matters most to you, not force us to agree.” Clarify whether you want to listen, learn, or make a decision together, and agree that either person can pause.
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What should I do if we disagree about what to call the conflict?
Recognize that terminology can be contested. Pew reported in March 2024 that it used “Israel-Hamas war” after consulting the AP Stylebook and outside experts, but that is an editorial convention, not a universal requirement. Ask what a term means to the other person and explain your own choice without making it a test of character.
How can I tell whether a claim is trustworthy?
Ask for the source, its publication date, and what its evidence actually establishes. Check the claim’s scope, compare credible reporting or primary documents where available, and distinguish documented facts from interpretation. If evidence is unclear or fast-changing, say that you do not know yet rather than repeating the claim as settled.
Should I expect a conversation to end with agreement?
No. A useful outcome can be better understanding, a question to investigate, or a plan to continue later. ADL advises expecting that there may be no closure and that not every question will be resolved. Pause if the exchange becomes overwhelming or hostile.
When should a group use a facilitator?
Consider one when a group is highly polarized, participants expect conflict, or the discussion has significant consequences. Essential Partners describes five to eight participants with a trained facilitator as an ideal format, while noting that some people can use its guide without formal training if they are comfortable supporting a group. The right format depends on risk, readiness, purpose, and time.
Can I use the Pew survey figures to show what people think now?
Not without qualifications. The Pew figures cited here come from a survey of 12,693 U.S. adults conducted February 13–25, 2024. They are a dated U.S. snapshot, not current polling, a global finding, or a prediction about any individual.
The Bottom Line
Set a modest purpose, use precise and humanizing language, listen without asking anyone to represent a whole community, and check claims before repeating them. A conversation can be useful without producing agreement. If it becomes harmful or unproductive, pause; if a group needs more structure, consider a facilitator.
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